Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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