I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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