I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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