if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
