Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
