if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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