things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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