You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
