When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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