We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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