We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
