Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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