thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We left an ass print on the piano.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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