i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
