My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
