I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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