I'm drive I can fine osifer
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
