You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I could make wine with my vomit
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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