my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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