The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize