he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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