Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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