I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think your dad took our porno
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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