I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
