College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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