So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize