A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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