Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
