Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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