Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize