I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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