I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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