I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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