I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
