Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
