Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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