awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
There's even glitter on my cock...
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