new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
