my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
