porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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