How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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