I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I touched a dick in church today
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