you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
