Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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