I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
