Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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