There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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