dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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