1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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