had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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