I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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