Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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