I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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