I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
