whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm too high and old for this...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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