if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
